Maybe I CAN actually do this?

29 Jul

Wednesday was a horrible day. I felt like I was drowning, as if I was being swallowed whole. I was tired and bored, Jude was tired and bored.

Ever have those days where you feel like you don’t have a single friend or person who cares in your life? Maybe that isn’t a normal feeling, but I’ve struggled with these kinds of feelings my entire life. Such a “poor me” victim attitude to have (and completely untrue) but yet I still have them. Well, I was having one of those days, on the verge of tears. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of breast-milk, poopy diapers and Sesame Street. I kept having these overwhelming thoughts:

Will I ever sleep again?

Do people still want to be friends with me now that I have two children?

How can we afford this?

Am I mature enough to handle something like this?

Ect.

Complete self doubt.

To make matters worse, Michael was scheduled to go out to celebrate his Mother’s birthday that evening (Ya, he went to a coupon class with her…because he wanted to…but that is a story for another day.) so I was going to be home alone with the kids for 12 hours straight. He came home for an hour after work and I SO desperately wanted to put on a happy face and convince him that I was ecstatic that he was able to get out of the house and go have fun (as much fun as I assume a person can have at a coupon class).

For the record, I was happy for him- just not for me. I knew his Mom deserved to have her time with him and definitely deserved to be celebrated. Yet as soon as he walked in the door, I began crying. The silent, slow and pathetic cry…where you are trying really hard not to cry (because you lie to yourself saying somewhere in your mind that you have willpower, that you know deep down you don’t have) but it only makes the crying worse because if you don’t allow the tears to come it feels as though the back of your throat and temples will simultaneously explode. That.

Of course Michael tried to be sympathetic and talk with me. Of course… I was a huge asshole and just pretended like nothing was wrong. He even brought me dinner and let me take a shower before he left, which somehow only made me feel worse. Why is it excruciating when someone is considerate to you, thus interrupting the fact that you are trying so hard to make yourself feel horrible? Didn’t he know how undeserving of chicken strips and tater tots I was? I mean, honestly. He is SUCH a douche sometimes.

Finally it was time for him to skip off to Coupon Club Anonymous or whatever (sorry honey, I’m not letting this go for awhile…) and I tried to fake a smile and send him on his way. Jude was upset and started banging on our bay window (that looks out to the car that Michael was driving away in) screaming and crying. I tried to soothe him, but who was I kidding? I couldn’t even soothe myself. “Okay Budgie, Daddy will be home soon.” I told him in a broken voice. (I certainly won’t be talking anyone off a ledge anytime soon.) I sat and sobbed for 5 minutes silently while Jude redirected his attention to a piece of paper he could shred in the living room. (Don’t judge him- it’s his thing, people.)

So there I was all evening… convinced I was the worlds fattest, ugliest, least successful, gigantic mom-failure. Feeling really sorry for myself.

Until eventually (around 1am) I made it to sleep and the most amazing thing happened, I woke up and IT WAS A NEW DAY. Because that is the gift we are given, that we can begin a new routine anytime we want. In fact a very wise person once told me “You can re-start your day at any time” and so can be said for re-starting your week I figured. I got up, got the kids ready and had a fabulous day with Aunt Nicole and Ari at the pool. No one got hurt, I didn’t cry, no one hated me and I even had fun. I came home and our friends Nick, Jaime, baby Josie and Luke came over and we had a fantastic time. I laughed, people still loved me and crazily enough- still wanted to be my friend even though I had two kids. Earth shattering, I know.

{Secret? I even had a cocktail when Ruby fell asleep. I felt giggly, drank the whole damn thing and it was delicious.}

AND THEN…the most amazing thing happened (and I’m certain it will never happen again because I’m bragging about it on the internet) Ruby slept… for SEVEN! HOURS! STRAIGHT!

Did I stud-ah?

YES!! SEVENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. 1, 2, 3 ,4, 5 ,6, 7.

Okay, I’m done jinxing myself.

Anyways, I actually got some sleep and so did the rest of my family. I woke up (in complete shock), got the kids ready and took them to The Fountains to play and take Jude to the Splash park. It wasn’t perfect, he threw two huge tantrums…BUT…no one bled, puked, died, etc. I was fine, they were fine. People stared at me during his fit and I just waved and smiled. Why? Because I’m a damn good Mom with two beautiful children and I’m doing the best that I can. So suck on that. (And Lady? You are lucky I don’t stare down your kid for that disaster of an outfit. “My Mom loves me” Really?! No one cares. NO ONE .) I can’t continue hiding in my house because I’m afraid of what COULD happen. I don’t want to live my life in fear, my family doesn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that. Jude deserves to go play with kids his age and throw tantrums to embarrass his Mom. He’s almost 2 (hold me babyjesusinheaven) and that is what crazy-almost-two-year-olds do.

And maybe next week if I start feeling sorry for myself, like the moron that I (sometimes) am, I can come back here and re-read this last part a few times.

________________________________

Now who wants to see photos of my insanley adorable babies?

You got it, dude.

Tantrum.

Happy.

Angel.

Kisses 🙂

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3 Responses to “Maybe I CAN actually do this?”

  1. Robbie July 29, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

    You are such a gift! You are not only an amazing mama and wife but also an amazing writer and photographer!! By being all that you are, you inspire others who aren’t as honest or gifted in expression<3 Love you girlie, Robbie (a mama of 5 who remembers your pain!)

  2. Tiffany July 29, 2011 at 6:41 pm #

    Thanks Robbie!! You’ve done an amazing job with your children, they are blessed to have you.

  3. Maggie July 29, 2011 at 8:25 pm #

    You are AMAZING! I love you so much 🙂

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