Our child owns us.

19 Apr

Its true. I’m sure pregnancy hormones are not helping, but in the last month both Michael & I have become completely overwhelmed. It seems like no matter what/how we try to take Jude with us places, it ends up turning into a giant melt down of some kind. Today we needed to go grocery shopping for the week. We also needed our oil changed, so we went to Wal Mart where we could do both. So we began our shopping and first we tried letting Jude walk around on his leash.

YES MY CHILD HAS A LEASH.

Its one of those teddy bear backpack ones that are supposed to help hide the fact that you are PUTTING YOUR CHILD ON A LEASH.

This is the first thing I always think of (warning, explicit language):

I know, I know. And for the record? I was one of those people who used to laugh and make fun of people who put their children on leashes. So let the fact that Michael & I actually went and bought one of those ridiculous things tell you how DESPERATE we truly are. Also for the damn record? Young-childless-couple in the Garden Department, a giant EFF YOU for staring at us like that. Topped with a super-giant-bitter I HOPE YOU’RE EFFING  GET-PREGNANT-ON-BIRTH-CONTROL-KIND-OF FERTILE!!!

So, we tried the leash. That worked for…..3.7 seconds. Fit begins. Throwing self on ground. We try putting Jude into the cart. That lasts for about…2 minutes. Punching, kicking, screaming and fit throwing continues.

So then we try this:

Which was working alright until we figured out that Budgie was CHEWING through all the boxes and plastic items. So, I tried distracting him with a fruit cereal bar, which lasted about…39.3 seconds. He decided it was time to take all of the items in the cart, throw them as hard as he could and scream as loud as he could. This was when Michael and I both began sweating. Running from aisle to aisle trying to shop as quickly as possible.

I even tried putting a youtube video of Shrek on my iphone and handing it to him in the cart. Which gave us 2 minutes of calm. Praise you, Dream Works. Praise you.

We were coming towards the end of our speedy-shopping-spree and reach our last destination, the produce aisle. Jude is very unhappy and kicking his legs about so I tell Michael, “You just grab everything really fast and I will chase Jude”. He runs off and I take Jude out of the cart (still screaming) and let him run around, sweating my 7-months-pregnant ass off. Which is great for about….45 seconds until Jude decides to run up to all the reachable fruit and try to throw in on the ground.

I scoop him up and try to take him to another area. Which doesn’t work because he is screaming so loudly and jolting his body so harshly at this point that I am actually afraid of my child and I just stand in the middle of the produce department, helpless. I begin crying like a little baby. The old ladies who were only moments before staring at me as if I were the anti-Christ are now looking at me with pity (not sure which is worse). Michael turns from the lettuce to see me looking more pathetic than ever and rushes over. He takes Jude from my arms, tells me the 3 items we need that are left on our list, and carries Jude over to the toy section to distract him while I finish our shopping and check out.

I am so humiliated and embarrassed at this point, that I am not only crying but also look like I just ran a marathon because I am covered in sweat.

If you don’t already know me well enough to know this, I love this child with my entire being. Like, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love Jude because there are not enough human emotions to even begin to describe what I feel for him. But in this moment at the grocery store, I began to realize something very important, my life is different now. In so many millions of ways for the BEST BEST BEST but also in some ways, like today, in a very inconvenient way.

Realizing this, on the way home I say, “We just can’t go grocery shopping together anymore” to Michael. Which makes both of us a little sad since it is/was one of our favorite things to do together (before having children). That might sound really weird, but it was one of “our things”. It just NEEDS to be put on hold right now. While that is perfectly OKAY, it still kind of stings a bit. And Honey, when you asked me on the way home what I wanted for lunch and I replied, “One of those bong-sized margaritas from Las Vegas and a Xanex.” I was completely serious, but thank you for laughing at me anyways.

I don’t know if you currently have small children, but if you do, then you are most likely nodding your head in agreement with this (unless you have some super freaky 1.5-2 year old that actually enjoys sitting in a grocery cart for 45 minutes). But if you are pregnant right now reading this, I am sorry and just keep lying to yourself about how “your kids will be different” like we did. Because, honestly the denial is so nice while it lasts.It was better than bong-sized margaritas. And if you are too old to remember what this feels like and you somehow only remember that your kids were NEVER like this and ALWAYS listened and NEVER screamed in the grocery store and…and…and… for this reason you take great pleasure in staring us down in the store or judging me right now then FINE. JUDGE. AWAY. Because I am a damn good Mom. I have a lot to learn and I don’t need your judgment, I need your support.

So to the one, sincere, nice, loving, older lady who walked by me in the produce section (weeping like a little child) and patted me on the back (as if to say, “Oh honey, I’ve been there.”) THANK YOU. Thank you so much.

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5 Responses to “Our child owns us.”

  1. Leanna April 19, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    ..aaaand I’m crying. I love that lady who patted you. I have been there, done that (especially with the fruit-throwing). You are awesome, and Jude is one lucky duck. ❤

  2. Lauren April 19, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    Oh lordy girl… I KNOW this feeling. Like, full-on 9 months fat-ass pregnant and feeling like I’m going to die, because “I just need to get the EFFING candy for effing halloween, and my kid can’t chill for more than two minutes…wtf” I know this feeling.

    Brace yourself. I am not saying this as a snarky thing, but a literal “prepare for the worst, hope for the best” situation — Two kids is harder. I pray so hard that it’s not for you. Seriously. I hope Ruby is amazing and the sweetest little dribble of sleepy syrup ever, but if she’s not, don’t worry, because your’e not the only one dealing with it. Apparently it happens to most people. I didn’t believe it when people warned me. I cried a few days ago because I wanted to make lunch, but couldn’t because the kids were both ballistic.
    I settled for a slim-fast shake and a snickerdoodle. A little counter productive, but it covered a couple of food groups, I think.
    And Bong sized Margaritas w/ a side of sedative… sounds like a good thing some days here too.

  3. lovesazzie April 19, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

    Best blog post ever. Right there with you, sister.

  4. Mrgandme April 19, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

    Did I write this??? Because I could have….

    Add me to the list of moms nodding their heads in agreement with you.

    Just remember all those parents with “easy” kids now are going to have hellion teenagers (I just say this to make myself feel better). For now I will continue to be that sweaty mom in the produce section with you!

  5. debbie reese April 19, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

    OH BOY, SO IT STARTS!! yOU WERE DOING SO GOOD IN THE DENIAL STAGE (jk) I HAVE BEEN THERE, BELIEVE ME!! ONE TIME I TOOK SARAH TO KMART AND SHE SAW THESE DOGGIE SLIPPERS AND THEY WERE VERY EXPENSIVE AND I WAS VERY BROKE. AFTER SHE THREW A FIT ON THE FLOOR OF KMART, I GOT HER THE STINKING SLIPPERS. BIG MISTAKE!! SHE TRIED THE FIT ON THE FLOOR OF THE STORE AGAIN OVER SOMETHING ELSE SHE WANTED AND I TOLD HER “WHEN YOUR DONE, FIND ME”, AND I WALKED AWAY,(OF COURSE WATCHING HER EVERY MOVE) SHE FINALLY RAN UP TO ME WITHOUT THE ITEM SHE WANTED AND TOOK MY HAND TO WALK THE REST THE WAY IN THE STORE WITH A LITTLE BIT MORE PEACE THAN BEFORE.(just a little) IT JUST BECAME EASIER NOT TO TAKE HER WITH ME TO THE STORE FOR A WHILE AFTER THAT INCIDENT. UGLY STARES FROM PEOPLE WHO FORGOT WHAT IT WAS LIKE WHEN THEIR CHILDREN WERE YOUNG, PEOPLE TELLING ME I HAD A LOT TO LEARN, ADVICE FROM MY DAD (WHICH I DID NOT TAKE) yikes!!!!!!!!! CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! MY FRIENDS AT CHURCH KEPT REMINDING ME THAT THIS WOULD PASS, AND IT SURE AS HECK DID! ALLELUIA!!! I’LL BE PRAYING FOR YOUR PEACE AND SERENITY.
    lOVE,
    AUNT DEB

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